But recently I have been confronted with the reality that I am not as strong as I think, I am not as wise as I think I am, I am not as real as I think I am. And to be honest, I have realized that my flesh does not want to go through the fire of sanctification, that I do not want to submit to the Lord's holy house-cleaning...
but He is relentless. He is after my heart. After my joy.
And so, it is time to put aside foolishness and embrace the "fear of the Lord" to find wisdom, to find life. The only truth to cling to like a child right now is that in all things, i am being "made new". I will be posting several journal entries as I walk through this next season, most of which are going to be extremely vulnerable. I think honesty and vulnerability in the church can really lead us all into deeper, richer understanding of grace and of who God is. So, I pray that you see Christ and see His grace and His work through all of this.
This is the very first journal entry on this journey, dated January 15, 2011:
"It is finally time. I have walked in some hidden arrogance which I have kind of hid under a somewhat decent knowledge of scripture and ability to articulate things of God and counsel those around me. The truth is though, I have deep scars and open wounds that hide themselves under my skin. They crawl through my flesh devouring all my desires, all my passions, leading me to depression and to dark places. The problem is that I don't want them to be real, do not want to acknowledge their existence because that means i'm not as strong as I have thought. There are many things that I thought I had moved past, crucified in myself, but really they were just set aside and they came violently upon me as I dove deeper into real community and a deeper relationship with Elizabeth. It hurts to even write this down in words, it sends chills down my spine. The real problem is that I have only modified behavior and changed certain lifestyle choices to help me become a "better me", but the roots are still there. Deep roots. Thick roots. Roots that only the powerful moving of God's Spirit can uproot. So, here I sit, in my room, maybe for the first time, serious about getting to the roots of my junk. I can boil most of my issues down to four main veins: Pride, Fear of Man, Lust, Idolatry. Lord, this is going to suck really bad, it's going to hurt so much. But in the end, I am absolutely sick of being less than the man You have called me to be, redeemed me to become. Jesus, You are going to have to replace ALL of these things with just You and nothing else. Erase EVERYTHING in me, and leave only You. I believe, help my unbelief. I trust, help my faithlessness. It's time to make war, it's time to take up arms and destroy the deep roots of sin within me. No more floating about, anchor my feet, O Captain, so that I no longer am tossed to and fro by the wind and the waves.
So, I just returned from hanging out with my brother Jeremy after work. What a treasure he is to have as a brother, truly a man after God's own heart. I was discussing with him the next chapter of my life, this next season where I am going to war. I told him that I feel like a soldier flying into battle, and as the chopper gets closer to the ground, the fear increases. But at the same time there is an anxiousness in me to hit the ground. Because I know that as soon as my feet touch the ground, it is going to be straight-up guerilla warfare. It will be absolute mayhem once we land the chopper. Jeremy was so encouraging to me, and not really with words of wisdom, but just his life. He challenges me to fight harder, pray stronger, endure better so that I can get the prize, which is the Eternal Treasure: Jesus.
The only way to truly get freedom in the areas of struggle and to let my heart be healed from scars and wounds is to come into a deeper knowledge of the nature and character of God and to let that deep, rich heart revelation become the identity and redefine me completely.
Soo...
- How does the nature and character of God deliver me from sexual sin?
- How does the nature and character of God heal me from the guilt and shame of things in my past?
- How does the nature and character of God kill the pride within me?
- How does the nature and character of God cause me to trust Him more?
- How does the nature and character of God murder the idols that I have erected altars to?
And most importantly...
- How does the nature and character of God cause me to fall more in love with Jesus and learn to treasure Him above all things?
Knowledge ABOUT You, O Lord, is no longer enough. I have to KNOW You.
Be Thou my Treasure, above all things, to the glory of Your grace and the hallowing of Your great name."
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